What My 3-Year-Old Is Teaching Me About Apologies
Being a mom of three boys means I’m constantly observing different stages of human development all at once. A teenager, child and a toddler.
Sometimes I joke that watching them is a bit of an obsession, but truthfully, it’s just a mommy thing. I study them closely as they grow, learn, and navigate the world. In many ways, I’m growing right alongside them, learning how to meet each of them exactly where they are.
My three-year-old is currently in one of my favorite stages of development. He’s beginning to understand the impact of his actions.
He knows when he’s done something he shouldn’t have.
He recognizes when he’s hurt someone’s feelings.
He notices when he makes someone laugh.
He feels proud when he’s helpful.
But his impulse control? That part is still under construction. Curiosity still wins sometimes. Mischief still sneaks in. And every now and then, he indulges in a little toddler-sized chaos. When he gets caught in the act, he’s usually quick to apologize. “Sorry, Mommy.”
I’ve noticed something interesting though. Often, he apologizes for the same behaviors over and over again. It doesn’t frustrate me because I’ve seen this stage before. His two older brothers walked this exact same path. Over time, they matured; their impulse control strengthened and their awareness grew. Eventually, they began making better decisions that led to different outcomes.
So instead of frustration, I revel in the progress I’m witnessing. There was a time when my toddler wouldn’t apologize at all. Before that, he couldn’t even pronounce the word. Now he’s trying.
At this stage, my role is to give grace while reinforcing the behaviors he’ll need to navigate relationships and society.
But something else has been happening in our home lately. I’ve started teaching him about boundaries.
When he speaks to me in an unkind tone, I calmly remind him: “Mommy doesn’t talk to people who are being rude or unkind.”
I don’t yell or respond with disrespect, and I don’t escalate the moment. I consistently model the behavior I want to see him demonstrate. Over time, something beautiful has started to happen. It’s beginning to resonate with him. Now when I remind him of that boundary, he quickly apologizes and adjusts his tone. Not because he’s afraid, but because he values our relationship and understands that speaking kindly is part of maintaining it. Even at three years old, he’s learning that respect is part of connection.
Watching this unfold has made me reflect deeply on something else. There were seasons in my life when I extended this same grace to adults. Adults who, unfortunately, never matured past the stage my toddler is currently in. Adults who apologized repeatedly for the same behaviors… without ever developing the impulse control or self-awareness to make different choices.
Adults who expected forgiveness without accountability. For a long time, I allowed it by accepting apologies that weren’t genuine and allowing people to return to “normal” with me without meaningful change. I convinced myself that patience and grace meant tolerating repeated harm.
Healing has a way of raising your standards. These days, I handle things differently. Just like I do with my toddler, I make my boundaries clear. But unlike my toddler, adults have had decades, not years, to develop emotional maturity, self-awareness, and respect for others.
So, when someone repeatedly demonstrates that they are unable or unwilling to honor those boundaries, I make adjustments. I no longer accept apologies as currency for continued access to my life. Because apologies without changed behavior are just rehearsed words.
I’ve raised the bar because I finalize realize I deserve the same respect that I consistently give.
Ironically, one of the greatest reminders of that truth comes from a three-year-old who is still learning how to be human. I’m so proud of him… and of me.
Journal Prompt
Think about a relationship in your life where apologies are frequent, but behavior never changes.
Ask yourself:
Is this person showing growth, or repeating patterns?
Am I extending grace… or abandoning my own boundaries?
What would it look like to raise the bar for how I’m treated?
Sometimes healing isn’t about teaching people how to treat us.
Sometimes it’s about believing them when they show us they won’t.
And adjusting accordingly.
