The “B” Word
Reclaiming my voice through boundary setting
From a very early age, I learned to navigate around others; adjusting my tone, suppressing my reactions, and internalizing how people treated me. I learned to keep the peace, not speak up, and minimize my own needs.
The concept of boundaries, what they are, how to define them, and why they matter, never even crossed my mind. I had no idea what a healthy boundary looked like, let alone how to establish or maintain one. Especially in a family where sweeping things under the rug was expected, not optional.
Growing up in the ’80s, kids were taught to do what they were told, no questions asked. So when situations arose that made me uncomfortable or hurt, I just tucked them away and pretended like nothing happened. The physical, emotional, and mental violations I experienced were absorbed in silence.
Unlearning what I was taught to tolerate
In a recent therapy session, my therapist made a comment about my job. Based on our conversations, she viewed the work environment as non-toxic. That stopped me. With all the recent changes and challenges at work, I realized I wasn’t so sure anymore.
More importantly, I realized how off my radar has been when it comes to identifying toxic behavior. Years of being gaslit, told I was “too sensitive” or “making a big deal out of nothing”, trained me not to trust my own instincts. And while I’ve never been someone prone to drama, I often second-guessed myself when something felt off.
Redefining my voice through boundaries
These days, I’m questioning everything. I’m intentionally speaking up when something feels wrong. I’m learning to clearly communicate how I want to be treated, whether it’s with coworkers, family, friends, or even with myself.
Boundary-setting now looks like saying how I feel in the moment instead of swallowing it. It looks like clearly asking for what I need instead of hoping someone figures it out. And when those boundaries are ignored? I disengage and protect my peace because I no longer let others pull me into their chaos.
There’s an empowering feeling that comes with getting the overwhelming thoughts out of your head and into the open. But if I’m honest, it’s also been frustrating. Because now I can see how years of people-pleasing have conditioned others to expect me to bend, shrink, and accommodate. And when I don’t? Some push back. Some relationships have suffered. Some have revealed their true colors.
That’s painful—but it’s also clarifying.
“If a person can’t respect your reasonable boundary, they don’t respect you. And that’s a relationship worth reconsidering.”
Setting boundaries with the ones I love
Let me share a recent example. I have a tight-knit group of girlfriends, women I love and deeply value. As working moms, it’s tough to find time to get together, so we often go through long text threads trying to lock down a date.
Sometimes things change last minute, and while that used to be fine, it started to feel like our time wasn’t being honored. One particular time, it hit me hard. I was in a rough place emotionally and really looking forward to the outing. When plans got rearranged at the last minute, I decided not to go at all.
More importantly, I shared why. I expressed that it took a lot for me to make time and that when plans constantly shift, it feels dismissive. My friends were surprised. I got mixed reactions. And honestly, I felt misunderstood.
I was disappointed that I had set such a low standard for how I deserved to be treated that speaking up respectfully came across as shocking. But I don’t regret it. That conversation opened the door for deeper understanding. And it reminded me that people can’t meet your needs if you don’t express them.
The first boundary I set was with myself
One of the most important boundaries I’ve learned to set is internal:
I no longer allow myself to get swept up in drama from people who disregard or disrespect me.
When my boundary is crossed, I say so and I disengage. That’s been my biggest act of self-respect so far.
And while I’m still early in this journey, I feel stronger with every step. I’m no longer afraid of what I might lose. I’m more interested in what I’ll gain peace, clarity, honesty, and alignment.
If you’re new to boundaries, start here
Start small. Set one boundary with one person.
Say how you feel. Don’t expect others to guess.
Pay attention to how people respond. That’s data.
And remember: you are allowed to take up space in your own life.
Journal prompts:
Where in my life do I feel consistently disrespected or drained?
What’s one boundary I’ve been afraid to set—and why?
How would I feel if that boundary were respected?
What is one boundary I can start practicing this week?
