Lions, Tigers, and Bears… Oh My
I’m just a few short days away from mediation. It's the session where we’ll (hopefully) come to an agreement on how to divide our assets and finalize permanent custody. Needless to say, my anxiety is, yet again, through the roof. I’m nervous about the outcomes of these major decisions and overwhelmed by the potential cost. Between the $450/hour mediation fees and $250/hour attorney fees, and knowing this could take all day, I’m having a hard time settling my thoughts.
A huge lesson I’ve learned through divorce: It’s expensive. Another: what feels fair may not be what’s decided.
So I’m worried about the lions (legal costs), tigers (alimony), and bears (child support). I’m not sure if, or how, any of this will go in my favor, and that feels so unfair.
After enduring a marriage riddled with emotional abuse and manipulation, the idea of having to pay him anything feels absurd. But for now, all I can do is try not to sink into the depths of worry. I’m turning to the tools I’ve learned from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to examine and reframe the negative thought patterns that are fueling my fear.
CBT Reframes: Taming the Lions, Tigers & Bears
1. Mental Filtering, Catastrophizing, Fortune Telling
Thought: I’m worried this will wipe out my savings, throw off my ability to pay bills, and damage my credit. I picture worst-case scenarios—eviction, financial instability, and no safety net.
Reframe:
My divorce was necessary, and I’m grateful that I have employer-sponsored legal benefits to offset some of the costs. I’m fortunate to have built a solid financial foundation with good income, savings, and credit access. My lawyer is both supportive and knowledgeable, which gives me added peace of mind. I can handle this challenge, just like I’ve handled so many others.
2. Personalization, “Should” Statements, Fallacy of Fairness, Fallacy of Change, Catastrophizing
Thought: Because I was the “breadwinner”, I might have to pay alimony. That enrages me. He’s fully capable of earning more but chooses not to. I failed by carrying too much of the load and expecting him to change. He should have worked more; and should now. This isn’t fair.
Reframe:
The thought that he might request alimony only reaffirms one of the reasons I left. It’s a reminder that choosing myself and my peace was the best decision for me and my children. If I’m required to pay, it won’t be worse than when I was already overextending myself financially and emotionally. I can’t control or change him, but I can honor how far I’ve come. I am no longer waiting for him to rise; I’m already rising on my own.
3. Personalization, “Should” Statements, Fallacy of Fairness, Fallacy of Change
Thought: I take on most of the financial responsibilities for our three kids—healthcare, child care, clothing, activities. He does the bare minimum and I’ve enabled that. It’s not fair. He should take more pride in being a provider and lighten my load.
Reframe:
I care deeply about my children, whether they’re with me or not. If I end up contributing financially while they’re with him, I’ll trust that it benefits them in a positive way. We share 50/50 custody, and I already save on certain household expenses when they’re away. I’ve done everything in my power to show up and provide for my children. Whether or not he does the same is a reflection of him, not me.
4. Labeling, All-or-Nothing Thinking, Emotional Reasoning
Thought: He’s a deadbeat. I’m doing everything. He doesn’t care. I feel angry, so it must be true that he’s a bad father and I’m being punished for doing the right thing.
Reframe:
It’s tempting to reduce him to a label, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. But he’s a complex person—flawed, yes—but still human. My anger is valid, but I don’t have to let it dictate my thinking. Parenting is not a contest of perfection. It’s a daily commitment, and I’m proud of the consistency, presence, and love I bring to my role as mom. That’s where I choose to focus.
Reframing is messy, nonlinear, exhausting, and just plain difficult. It’s like performing mental gymnastics while holding the weight of grief, anger, fear, and frustration all at once.
But it’s also a gift. As I do this work, I remember: I am not powerless. I am not broken. I am not stuck.
I can’t predict what mediation will bring. But I do know this: I am building emotional resilience, one thought at a time. I am replacing fear with self-trust. And I am not nearly as afraid of the lions, tigers, and bears as I used to be.
Journal Prompts
Use these to unpack your own worries and reshape your inner narrative:
What’s a fear I’ve been mentally rehearsing? What’s the realistic outcome instead?
In what ways have I taken on more than my fair share and what boundaries can I draw now?
What distorted thought patterns am I ready to release?
How has choosing peace (even when it’s costly) benefited me already?
Affirmations
I release what I cannot control and focus on what I can.
I trust myself to make decisions that support my peace and well-being.
I am allowed to change, grow, and heal—no permission needed.
I am proud of the way I show up for myself and my children.
Fairness isn’t always guaranteed, but I will always advocate for what’s right.
