EMDR Helped Me Stop Blaming Myself
For a long time, I replayed my marriage through one question: "How did I let this happen?"
Every difficult memory seemed to end with me assigning myself the blame. I labeled myself foolish and naive because I should have known better. Those thoughts felt like facts that I carried with me every day.
In my EMDR sessions we took time to slow things down enough to look at the whole story instead of just the ending. One of the most meaningful moments in therapy was when my therapist challenged my belief that I had failed. Instead of asking what was wrong with me, we started asking a different question: What if I really did do the best I could with what I knew at the time?
At first, I struggled with that idea. It felt too generous and forgiving. But session after session, we kept returning to the memories until something unexpected happened. Instead of remembering more events, I started to recall the context of those memories.
For my marriage in particular, I started to recall who he was when we first met and how things gradually changed. Behaviors that would eventually become alarming didn't begin that way. It’s just like the old metaphor about slowly boiling a frog, nothing in my marriage happened overnight. Instead, the temperature increased little by little until unhealthy became familiar. By the time I realized how much had changed, I had already adapted to surviving it. That realization changed everything. Someone who slowly learns to tolerate unhealthy behavior isn’t stupid, they’ve been conditioning.
As we continued processing, I started connecting my marriage to experiences much earlier in my life. Growing up, there were spoken and unspoken messages about staying quiet. I ultimately learned to minimize and disregard my own discomfort. I hadn’t realized how familiar those patterns already were before I entered marriage. I wasn't looking at one isolated relationship; I was looking at a lifetime of learning. My childhood lessons had stuck long before I knew to question them.
My therapist and I also discussed the difference between being guarded and being afraid. As someone who has to co-parent, I often wondered if healing means I should eventually stop being cautious. I came to understand that these are two completely different concepts. I can (and will) protect myself without living in fear. I’ll also maintain healthy boundaries without carrying constant anxiety.
It's about becoming more trusting of myself. Trusting that I can recognize unhealthy patterns and leave situations that don't serve me. Today's version of me is not the same woman who entered that relationship years ago.
There are still difficult sessions and memories that leave me emotional. Still moments when panic, guilt, or sadness rise to the surface. But now, instead of asking, "What's wrong with me?" I'm beginning to ask, "What happened that made this feel normal?"
That question carries compassion instead of condemnation and compassion has created space for healing that shame never could.
EMDR has given me a more honest version of my past. One where I can finally see that surviving wasn't my failure. It was evidence that I was doing the best I could until I knew there was another way.
A Gentle Reminder
You can honor your growth without condemning your past.
The version of you who survived deserves just as much compassion as the version of you who is healing. Use this worksheet to help with Reframing self-blame with self-compassion.
