I Can’t Protect Them From Discomfort
Recently, I found myself sitting in the realization that I can’t, and should try to, fix everything.
It started when my 15-year-old has been dealing with school bus issues when he’s at his dad’s house. When he reached out to me, my instinct was to jump in and resolve it, like I always have. But this time, I didn’t. Instead, I said: Transportation while he’s with his dad is his dad’s responsibility.
The response I received after relaying this message to my ex was unkind. And watching my son deal with the ripple effects was also uncomfortable.
Then my 6-year-old shared something with his school counselor that stopped me in my tracks: He doesn’t get enough time with mom or dad because he’s splitting his time 50/50… and that makes him sad.
My first reaction? Again, fix it. I immediately started to consider if it would be reasonable to change the schedule. I’ve heard alternate approaches to 50/50 custody instead of our week-on/week-off approach.
Alternate 50/50 schedules
2-2-3 Schedule: The child spends two days with one parent, two days with the other, and then three days with the first parent.
3-4-4-3 Schedule: One parent has the child for three days, the other for four days, then it rotates.
Split Days: The child spends half the day with one parent and half with the other, which can work well for younger children.
There’s no right answer because any option would come with its very own set of complexities. I understand that my children are doing their best to keep track of two lives at once, and that isn’t easy or ideal.
I’d love nothing more than to shield my kids from the sadness and annoyances of life. These current circumstances are uncomfortable for all of us. But so was the situation where they lived in a home with two parents who couldn’t get along (maybe even moreso).
We’ve all had to trade one kind of discomfort for another.
The Shift: From Protecting to Supporting
I cannot remove every uncomfortable feeling from my children’s lives. It’s not reasonable or rational. Discomfort is not the enemy; it’s a teacher.
I’m in my mid-40s and still navigating various uncomfortable situations.
I feel the discomfort -> I process it -> Sometimes I cry, collaborate, set boundaries. Sometimes I simply endure. That’s life.
So now, instead of asking: How do I eliminate this feeling for them?
I’ve started asking: How do I support them through it?
Supporting through discomfort looks like:
Validating their feelings without immediately fixing them
Teaching them how to name their emotions
Helping them think through solutions
Modeling boundaries, even when they create tension
Reminding them that sadness doesn’t mean something is broken
When my 6-year-old says he feels sad about the schedule, I ultimately decided against rearranging calendars.
Instead, I’ll have a conversation with him: “That makes sense. It’s hard to miss someone. You’re allowed to feel that.”
When my 15-year-old is stressed about the bus, I help him think through:
Who is responsible?
What can you control?
What do you need to communicate?
Not because I don’t care. But because I do.
Discomfort Isn’t Damage
My children feeling sad does not mean I have failed them. Their lives being imperfect does not mean I have broken them. Life is imperfect for all of us. What matters more than eliminating discomfort is building capacity.
Capacity to:
Feel
Express
Regulate
Problem-solve
Advocate
Adapt
If I try to remove every hard feeling, I’ll inevitably fail. I’ll also remove the opportunity to build those muscles. The truth is, I can’t bubble-wrap them through life, but I can give them tools.
We All Have “Two Homes”
Even if you’re not co-parenting, you likely understand this concept. We all live between spaces:
Who we were and who we’re becoming
What we hoped for and what actually happened
Comfort and discomfort
Control and surrender
For my family, this transitional season of our lives is still unfolding. It’s not always peaceful, but it is honest and I’m learning a lot through it.
The New Question I’m Asking
Instead of: “How do I protect my kids from feeling uncomfortable?”
Now I ask: “How do I equip my kids to move through discomfort with confidence?”
That’s a different kind of motherhood. I believe it’s a more empowering one.
Because one day, they’ll be adults navigating adult discomforts. And I want them to know that they can survive and thrive because they are capable.
